Letters

i. i still look inside that subway shop, hoping i’d see you there. (a part of me hoping even harder, not to see her with you.)

ii. intimacy for us was never about what lay under the clothes, but about what laid under the skin.

iii. if i knew it’d be the last time you stood outside my house asking me to kiss you— i would’ve kissed you hard.

iv. i hope she loves you as tenderly as the way your mother strokes your cheek, with an intensity and ferocity that could light cities on fire.

v. thank you for being the first person to fall for my mind, and i’m sorry to have left you for someone else who didn’t.

vi. i wonder what made you say it, to me and not anyone else.

vii. i wonder if, one day, this feeling will pass. 

Advertisements

renaissance

It is November when things start falling apart. Tempers short and words angry. Unread fears and apologies. In the end, both of us were too afraid of the oncoming onslaught, too blinded to put ourselves back together.

It is December the first time I lie to you. It is December, the second time you fall apart.

It is January when you said I make you feel more special than anyone ever has in your life, and I believed we were going to be okay. A few days later you told me it was a one-day thing. We stopped going out after.

It is April when I close the door on you, slamming it hard behind me so you know not to follow. It is painful as I lay in bed, quiet my only solace, loneliness my thick companion in the sheets. 20 minutes later I twist the door unlock so that you can come in. I spend the next two months waiting, but you never let yourself in.

It is June when I realise you have closed the door on me; the instant in which my world crumbled when I saw the telltale way you smiled at her by the playground against the coal blue set sky. (The details, I remember vividly because how many times have I imagined it be me.) That night, I never got the kiss I wanted but I kissed girls whose faces I don’t even remember, with alcohol on both our breaths.

It is November when we wait outside, anxious hands trembling as we grip our transparent pencil cases tighter, the odd strikingly coloured jackets standing out in the sea of black, navy and maroon. I had always been one to fidget when nervous, and one too many of a step back accidentally had my back graze against someone else’s. There is no explanation why, out of the 200 over people standing there that could’ve been, I knew it had to be you. My friends in front of me looked up and that’s when I knew you turned to see who it had been (I knew you would’ve felt it because you’ve always been sensitive to touch like that), and I just kept my eyes straight ahead as if I didn’t realise. Later, when the first paper was over and I saw you sitting alone by the back of the shutters, it struck me that Chemistry had always been your worst subject and that, up till that point, I had forgotten.

It is January when we talk again for the first time, counting out what transpired that one particular day, and I found myself 3 parts hopeful, 2 parts wanting, and too many parts delusional. The conversation is short, and anything but sweet, and I am torn apart for the nth time.

It is January when I learn what it’s like to have loved, and lost.

you asked me if I hate you, one midday where the rain pours down on my garden, my porch our only shelter.  

        I said no

sometimes, though, you hurt me; they may as well be the same thing.  

perhaps one day, 

when ashes have been meshed with dust and time causes all to decay, 

the billow of the wind brings me not broken remenants, 

but the crisp smell of burnt coffee.

I’ll smile as I recognise that smell as you

 and i don’t remember much— of whispered promises or secrets pressed into skin, of hideouts and hideaways, of else in between,

but i remember the dip of your dimple, the thickness of your hair, cheeks, tender, craddled in bunrt-rough palms, star-lit eyes that made me think,

Dianthus caryophyllus in pink.

dawn

Starting a new again because, as usual, I have jumped to another blog/platform to write my thoughts on. I realise it’s a routine for me — to delete my social media at the end of every year and start anew or to create multiples of the same things only to end up deleting everything in the end.

I do hope this blog will stick around because I want to cultivate the habit of remembering important events in my life and how they make me feel, and to maybe have a space of my own to write what’s on my mind.

ALSO BECAUSE I DONT WANT THIS POST TO BE 2 PARAGRAPHS LONG it’s the second week of my school break now. Honestly, sem 1.2 passed by in a flash. It seems like not too long ago I was anxious over how to tell my family that I wanted to go to Poly instead of a JC, and now here I am, first semester of school done and GPA already hanging by a thread. (I can smell the gasoline already.)

The thing I’ll miss the most, other than my weekly 麻辣 sessions, (oh god, were those the essence of my life. still waiting for someone to jio me for 特辣 HAHA ) would be Wednesday’s radio classes!! & Japanese class after that! C:

Radio classes were a ton of fun because

  1. Chan is retarded
  2. Voice acting with Inge is amaze because she’s super cute
  3. Life talks & music with Mel!!!!!!
  4. Austistic Anna

I LOVE RADIO CLASS HAHA. Also, Japanese class because it’s the one time a week I see Megan and get to annoy the poor guy sitting next to me HAHA. hELLO if you see this HAHA 16/30.

I’ll also miss all the fun times and funny moments of T107 HAHA (the music videos are the best!!)

Though the semester was a short 4 months, a lot has happened and I’ve had many new experiences that I’m really thankful for hehe 🙂 NOTHING AS GREAT AS GETTING MULTIPLE Cs AMIRIGHT (can you hear the sound of my soul dying? because iT IS DYING.)

I met some pretty great people this sem that I’m really grateful for, including my friends from FBC (ARIA OI), my classmates and MMA03!! HAHAH thanks for always letting me crash guys love ni men duo duo. I’m not always able to show my appreciation for you guys because I don’t know how, but I just wanted to express that even if I have many terrible habits (like never knowing how to reply to messages), I am truly grateful to have you guys with me for my first sem in school! C:

I’ve a long break ahead of me, if two months can be considered long, and I really hope I can spend this time to the fullest before another busy sem :”))) Before then I should really practice photography for digpho, but… I’M REALLY BAD AT IT HAHAH if anyone wants to be a senpai and teach me I’ll be forever grateful!! HAHA

Hopefully I’ll get to spend time lots with my friends during the break too HEHE I’m really excited.

Am not really sure what I’m going to post here but I might photo dump every now and then, film some videos during the break, write stories or just, be weird here HAHAH.

Hope everyone has a fun and relaxing hols!!

ki

IMG_2294